Kids need to feel shame.

We took the kids to Taco Mac for dinner with our good friends tonight. We have two boys and they have two girls. After the kids finished their dinner, they became restless, so we gave them each a dollar and allowed them to go to the video game room. After a little peace and quiet, my friend went to the bathroom. When she came out, the kids were talking quietly and looking guilty.

After probing them, we found out that one of our kids was told by a random kid to tell the waitress that he lost his money in a machine so he could get free quarters to give back to her, even though he didn't lose his money in the first place. Said child, being impulsive and somewhat of a risk-taker, did it. What's worse is that his decision almost made one of our other children do the same thing, except that she was caught before she had the chance.

Many tears later, we finished our mother and father to son conversation (lecture) establishing why what he did was wrong. We finished with promises that it won't happen again and even had a little role playing session with both boys in the event that it does happen again...which it will.

I asked him, "Did you feel shame?" He replied, "Yes," with tears in his eyes. I said, "Good. You need to feel shame. You need to feel how bad that feels and identify with it so that you never want to feel it again."

I don't think that we allow our children to feel these very fundamental bad feelings that help shape who we will be. We want to protect our children from others and from themselves. If you don't know what shame is, how do you know you don't want to feel it? If you always have a parent making excuses for your behavior or blaming it on someone else, how do you learn to take responsibility for your own actions? While it may sound mean that I said those things to my son, I believe that he will think twice about his behavior when he is put into a difficult situation.

Trying to instill in your child that it is important to be strong and stand up for what you believe is really hard. There will be so many situations that both of my children will encounter as they grow. I only hope that we have given them the tools to choose the right path.

L