For the past few months I have been feeling down and depressed. I did switch my anxiety meds...in hindsight, that probably wasn't a good idea so close to the end of the school year, but I was also trying to put my finger on this underlying sadness and restlessness I have felt. I have not wanted to do anything but sleep and watch television- no desire to exercise or socialize. So not like me. I thought maybe it was processing my mom's never-ending situation or the fact that two dear friends from work have moved on to their next phases in life.
First, I ran into a friend whose son I taught probably eight years ago. She has one son in college and one son on his way out of high school. For 45 minutes we sat and listened to each other's hearts, that as mothers, our time is limited. The second conversation I had was with a good friend who I talk to fairly regularly. Her kids are still at home, but they are on the other side of their childhood, and she is feeling the slow underlying sadness and anxiety of her kids leaving the nest soon. Finally, I spoke with a young friend who just had a baby a few days ago. Her kids are elementary-aged and she was dreading and simultaneously delighting in the eternal exhaustion of long nights with babies and long days with small children.
Three very different women in three very different times of their lives with very valid feelings. I remember the eternal exhaustion as a young working mother trying to do it all. And then it struck me. I am on my way out as a mom with kids at home. The constant loudness, carpooling, sporting events, arguing, laughs, firsts...it consumes our lives for so long that the thought of it ending just makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry because I know that soon, I will be running into friends and lamenting the end of my boys' childhoods.
Please don't misunderstand because I have an incredible life: a husband I still love and like, two boys who are on the right path, and so many blessings God has grant me. But this feeling that I can't shake is real, and it is only getting stronger with time. And I do want them to fly away, to follow their hearts and be good, strong, kind men. I need them to know that we did all we could to equip them with the tools they need to be happy productive members of society.
So, it does go by too fast. The realization that our time as mothers with our kids at home is finite begins to creep up too soon. Once it starts, it can be all-consuming, wasting even more precious time. It's healthy to mourn their childhood. I plan on not wearing make up until I can get this under control.
And things do happen in threes. These three conversations with very different women was God's way of telling me that though I am dreading the end of the young mother's life, I still have a lot of life to experience. It will be different and wonderful in its own way, but it is still ending an incredible part of my life. I have a lot of advice, perspective, and compassion to offer others in all stages, and I hope I can be a good listener.
