Self-sabotage is the worst kind.

So, I went to see the doctor yesterday. I was there to see if the medication I am taking is working. While I appreciate him following up with my health, I really don't think I should have to make an appointment with the doctor for another $30 copay, so that he can tell me that he will refill my prescription because I seem ok.

I digress....

At the appointment I had my kids with me...not a great idea, but there was no other choice. After stepping on the scale, I realized that I had gained SEVEN POUNDS in the last month or so. SEVEN POUNDS! I'm not sure I gained that much between ob visit while pregnant with my kids!

Again, I digress...

After the disgust of seeing my weight gain, I had my blood pressure taken. It was in the high-normal range. HIGH NORMAL. Seriously? I gain seven pounds and my bp spikes? I am hoping it was because I had my kids with me and was all hyped up trying to make them behave and because I had gained weight. The doctor rechecked it and it was down a little.

So he asked me to what I attributed the weight gain. I said that I thought maybe it was the higher dose of medication. He asked if I had made any eating or exercise changes. I averted my eyes and said that I had made negative changes in both areas. I countered with the fact that the meds could have caused the weight gain and maybe I should decrease the dosage. He asked me if I felt better. I said that I did. He told me that I had to ask myself if it was worth feeling worse for the chance that the meds caused the weight gain. I really wanted a quick fix, but he forced me to look at the facts.

Yes, I had an incredibly stressful month or so and yes, I had stopped exercising and was eating horribly. Yes, I felt better, but I told him I was so busy that I didn't have time to exercise. He just looked at me and said, "We're all busy." We ARE all busy and there comes a time when we have to take responsibility and make choices for ourselves and follow through with them, no matter how long it takes. I sat back and told him that I needed him to say that, that I needed him not to allow me to make excuses for myself. He told me that I was the one who needed to think that and it was up to me to make healthy decisions for myself.

I don't know what it is. When I wake up in the morning I am full of all of these resolutions for the day. As I work through the day, though, I find my resolve to fulfill those goals weakens. By nighttime, I am self-righteous and feel that I deserve what I want because I have worked so hard. Self-sabotage. Why is it so difficult to stay true to a resolution? It shouldn't be that hard, but it is a constant struggle that I wish would end.

I am currently back on the exercise wagon and ran three plus miles today. I am going to have a nice little chat with myself later tonight...without ice cream or nachos.

L